Write a eulogy, if applicable
As executor of an estate you might want to consider arranging a eulogy for the deceased’s funeral or memorial service. Surviving family members might even ask you to deliver the eulogy. As with many decisions during this time, there is no correct answer. Many funerals and memorials do not include a eulogy. In some faiths, only the minister will eulogize the person at a funeral with other eulogies scheduled for later receptions or memorial services. Having people speak about the deceased is a personal choice and should be discussed with the deceased’s loved ones. No one should feel pressured to do a eulogy and often it can simply be too much for a grieving person. However, if it is decided a eulogy is wanted, you should offer to help.
Writing a eulogy can be an intimidating task given the importance of the event. Below are some tips to help anyone write and successfully deliver a powerful eulogy, if you choose to honor the deceased in words in this very personal way.
From Executor Team
Seven Tips for Writing a Eulogy
1. Reflect
Take some time to consider the deceased’s life – and moments within it that really stand out as special memories. A eulogy is not going to tell a whole life story, rather just share slices of that life. The eulogy should be designed to honor them, to give people at the funeral who did not know them as well an opportunity to get to know them, and, hopefully, to lift up their closest loved ones as they recall those special moments that you share. Consider what stands out about the person. Ask family and friends who knew the deceased for input in writing the eulogy. Ask about things like major accomplishments, times where they really made a difference, or funny moments that were indicative of who they were as people.
2. Consider the audience
It is important to remember that you are speaking to a group that will likely include people who knew the deceased in many different ways, such as a family member, friend, co-worker, neighbor, coach, etc. Make sure the eulogy is appropriate and of interest to the majority of the people attending the service. Things that do not seem appropriate to this larger group can be kept for sharing with the immediate family at a later point in time.
3. Be brief
A eulogy should be between three and five minutes in length. If multiple eulogies will be given, strongly (but gently) reinforce this point to others who will be speaking at the ceremony.
4. Stay positive
Share a story that demonstrates the deceased’s generosity, spirit, or positive traits. Touch on the impact the person made and share some of their passions and values.
5. Use humor
Don’t hesitate to share a funny story. Funerals can be an emotional powder keg and a warm funny story can be a great way to relieve the tension in the room. Just make sure it’s not an inside joke, inappropriate, or potentially hurtful.
6. Prepare
Practice the eulogy before the event. Ask someone to listen and time it to make sure you stay under five minutes. Offer to do the same for others who may be speaking at the event. Ask for feedback from a member of the family, if you are unsure about your remarks. Print a copy to take with you rather than rely on memory. Use a larger font and double space between typed lines. This way you can easy scan it while speaking if you lose your train of thought.
7. Try to relax
People will understand if you are nervous or emotional. They will forgive you if you stumble over some words or cry. If you speak from the heart, they will remember only that you said kind, meaningful things about their loved one.
Things to Avoid In a Eulogy
In terms of things to avoid in writing and delivering a eulogy, a eulogy is not a time to toast or to roast the deceased. You should avoid saying things such as “it was for the best,” as this comment can be viewed as minimizing the loss. This also is not the time to bemoan the unfairness of death or wonder aloud how you will go on without the person. A great eulogy is a celebration of the deceased’s life – it is generally not about their death or the process of their dying, unless there are stories that speak to their strength, resiliency, kindness, etc. It is okay to say the person will be missed, but don’t make it about you. To make sure the eulogy or eulogies are presented in an organized way, you should ask those speaking to arrive at least 30 minutes before the service. Explain to them at what point in the event they will be speaking. Familiarize them with where they will be standing to address the crowd. Have them practice using a microphone if one will be needed. Ask them to compare notes with anyone else who will be speaking to ensure each speech is unique.
